V's first ever gay date; A feeling of responsibility

About three weeks ago I had my first meeting with V that didn't involve finding our way in the dark ;)

His sweetness and idealism turned out to be rather touching, and I felt that little tug of responsibility I've recently begun to feel with guys not that far along their gay journey. It was also my first encounter with a gay muslim, and learning about how the sides of his life fit together was quite fascinating.

From some of his texts since our first meeting, it was clear V hadn't had much chance to send texts to new gay friends before – he hadn't yet learned about playing it cool. But we were all there once, so I didn't have a problem with it.

After exchanging a few more messages, one evening I decided to give him a call.

From the flat, faltering tone of his voice, at first I think he's changed his mind about wanting to hear from me, but then I remember he was rather quiet when we first spoke, even after we had unwound together.

As he's not saying much, I suspect he might need a bit of warming up, so I tell him about the bank holiday I recently spent in Eastbourne. But shyness doesn't seem have much to do with it, as right away he asks when we can meet again. I say I'm going to be in again on Friday, and then he drops in his surprise...

V: I can do Friday, but I'm going to *mumble* in the morning.

WW: Huh? Um, okay, we could do the afternoon then, or a different day if that's better for you.

V: No, I can do Friday, it's fine.

V: Did you have time to think about... you and me?

WW: I think we'd better talk about that when me meet.

WW: Right, well I'll see you there then.

V: Okay, see you there.

So I'm not totally sure, but he might have said 'mosque'. That's still a big word to hear when you're having any kind of gay relationship, one of the few biggies left in a now mostly gay-friendly Britain. I don't ask him to repeat it in case I make him uneasy about it.

It occurs to me that if V ever is talkative, it's not going to be when I call him at home. Indeed, later on he politely sends a text apologising for cutting things short and saying he can't speak openly in front of his family.

By text I suggest Vauxhall for our afternoon meeting because I know it's a gay village of sorts, and think it might be nice to explore it a little. I get there early and go past a couple of gay drinkeries but all is quiet. Unlike Soho's cheery lunchtime streets, it looks like this is a nighttime sort of place. I note this tidbit for future reference. In any case, there's a fine view across the river while I wait.

When V comes out of the tube, he's looking cheery and relaxed, with immaculately styled hair as usual, despite the windy day. It turns out he's not quite as relaxed as he appears, more on that later.

We go into a coffee shop to warm up and after talking about what we've been up to, we start sharing stories about how we normally meet other gay guys.

He's rather shy about using the word 'gay' as we talk in the cafe, usually leaning forward and saying it quietly, or amusingly just saying 'G'.

His connection to the queer world outside the anonymity of saunas is a gay couple, who he regularly manages to find time to meet. They take him out to London's gay haunts, and it sounds like they're his window into that world. He can't remember the names of many places he's been to, and I teasingly reprimand him for not knowing that the area around G-A-Y bar is London's gay heartland, Soho.

His family, who he's staying with while he studies, are very dear to him, are quite religious and keep a close eye on his goings-on. They always need to know where he is, but it seems he can find ways to be in more than one place at a time :)

While I envy the extended family he tells me various tales about, V's position means that realistically he won't ever be able to come out. I think about how lucky I am to have grown up in a relaxed family and just late enough to know it could never be a major problem.
So now our life stories are out there, he keeps very still, not leaning forward, and asks:

So, what do you think about us?

How do you mean?

I mean, how do you feel about . . . a relationship?

I expand on what I told him after our first meeting, telling him that I just can't see myself having a boyfriend until I'm properly settled down. But I also say how I'm always looking to make friends.

He seems to understand that, and asks if I've been on a lot of dates before. I say I have, nodding my head. To my surprise, he then says, more than a little bashfully, 'This is my first one.' I look over into his eyes and really want to stand up and give him a hug, but I sense he would be a little shy about doing that. So I make do with 'That's okay. Don't worry about it.'

Somehow I hadn't even thought of our meeting as a date; I guess I always assume I've made a friend, not a potential partner. It makes me think how, if this were my first date ever, I'd want it to go. It's the moment that sets up how you're going to handle your other dates, and it fixes in your mind what you think dates are like – relaxing and friendly, or a bit tense, maybe? So I resolve to be as considerate as I can, and to do a lot more listening than talking.

As we've been here a while now, a gay bar or two should be open, so we stroll along to one, deliberately ignoring the big Chariots sauna nearby. Unsurprisingly at this hour, we're the only customers. Some drinks should help him relax a little more.

I ask V more about his family, and it sounds like he's learnt a lot from them, including one really quite camp hobby he's picked up, considering he's supposedly a closeted man :D He tells me about the various branches of his family, and about the pretty serious gift-buying process he has to go through whenever he heads home.

From the way he talks, it's also clear he's a believer, not just someone who prays because he has to. I find it hard to imagine how he reconciles the gay world with a conservative religious one: it's not just the whole man-man thing, but it's also a scene with a lot of drinking, sexualised language and behaviour, and an almost defiant lack of modesty. It seems V views his sexuality as a limitation, something I've read in Islamic texts myself in the past. I'm not totally comfortable with that notion, as I think that one of the best, although perhaps also one of the most challenging, things about being gay is that it removes many social limitations from you. But it seems he lives by the positive, loving values that his religion encourages and feels comfortable with that for the moment.

We talk about what our plans are for the future, and it's been a delight hearing about V's life. Having the chance to learn so much about others you wouldn't normally meet is probably what I like best about the randomness of gay encounters. Well, that and the fact that spontaneity can lead to some great fun sometimes :)

As I've now drunk several coffees, a lot of water and now two drinks, I rush to the toilet before we part ways. When I come out of the cubicle, V's waiting just inside The door:

You took a while in there . . . It was nice talking today.

Yeah, I liked it too.

Can I kiss you?

Yes you can!

It's quite a lingering kiss, and we press together tightly. The sauna down the road, which he asked me earlier if I felt like visiting, suddenly seems quite tempting. But then I think to myself, I don't want to take advantage of someone who came here today looking for something more serious, and I don't want him to think that every date has to end with doing the naughty. If it happens at future meetings, then fine, but today isn't the right time, I think. So when I come up for air, I say simply, 'I should go.'

We wish each other well, and later I send a text thanking him for a nice day.


Image: RightIndex